March On

I just re-read my last month's post and the words, "God has been so good to us in the baseball department." jumped off the page.  It may as well have been highlighted and in bold.  God has been SO GOOD to us.  Just not in the baseball department.  
About two weeks ago, Matt was released (fired) from the Baltimore Orioles.  I was stunned.  Everything seemed "right" about this opportunity from the 3/2 fully furnished house we had found in Virginia to the proximal location of spring training.  We even had enough faith to be thrilled about the big league ball park, Camden Yards being hitter friendly, so WHEN Matt got his call-up, he was sure to hit lots of home runs. :)  
It didn't make sense to me two weeks ago, and it still doesn't.  Fortunately, it doesn't HAVE to make sense to me.  I just have to learn to live with it, and be excited about what's next.  I'm not there yet.  The first few days, the shock of it all must have been numbing my emotions because I was "okay" and even excited about the prospect of a stationary, baseball-free life.  But a few days later as our options dwindled down to Matt going to play ball in Mexico, I started to feel.  I realized I wasn't as ready for a "normal" life as I thought I was.  I wasn't ready for a baseball-free life.  I wasn't ready to let go of the dream.  
I didn't like any of our options.  I wasn't ready for Matt to stop playing.  I didn't want him to go play in Mexico and leave me here alone.  And I didn't want to go with him to live in Mexico with three kids.  But something had to give, so Matt left this morning for Mexico without us.  
It feels surreal, this whirlwind that was Matt's baseball career.  This is a position that I never thought we would be in.  Matt LaPorta can't get a baseball job in the United States.  I wish I was done being angry, but I'm not.  And I wish I was more spiritually mature than I am, but I guess I'm not because I feel let down by God.  
When I expressed all of this to Matt, he just smiled and nodded his head. He, of course knows what I am feeling better than I know it.  But goodness, he has been so full of grace.  He hasn't uttered a negative word since all of this has happened.  I am taking it much harder than he is.  He said the most beautiful thing when I told him about my dream of our sons experiencing baseball with him.  He said so many guys don't have good relationships with their families BECAUSE of how demanding their baseball careers are, and he would rather have a good relationship with his sons and get to go watch their games, than them come to watch him play.  He nearly brought me to tears and I'm not sure I've never been more in awe of him than I was in that moment. 
So now that I've got all that out, I AM excited for this opportunity in Mexico.  Who knows where it will lead or what God CAN STILL do in Matt's baseball career.  Or it's the final step in the end of his career, and I can truly be excited about that too.  I do feel strongly that Matt was supposed to go to Mexico and that it was the right thing to do for now.  I will wait with eager anticipation as God reveals what's next for our family.  

Sienna Spotlight:
She calls bananas, "samanas".  I am not eager to correct her as she is starting to pronounce everything else correctly, and I will miss words like these.
Her response to almost everything (when it's not "NO!" accompanied by a crying tantrum), is "Sure, that's fine!"  For example: "Sienna, would you like to put shoes on?"  "Sure, that's fine!" She probably says it a hundred times a day, but it makes me laugh every single time.  She says it with such adult-like maturity and perkiness.  
She is in the phase that (I think) lots of children go through where she wants to change her clothes four times a day.  The unfortunate thing is, she usually goes to her laundry basket and digs clothes out of there that she insists on wearing.  :(
She seems to be loving her daddy more and more everyday, which is evidenced by the meltdowns she's been having since he left, "I want my Daddy!"
She told me she loved Mickey Mouse and I said I loved him too, and she said, "No, you love Daddy."  She says it very matter-of-factly which I adored.  I'm glad she knows I love him ; )

Maddox smiles with his whole body, but Price smiles at me like he is in love with me.  Maddox adores his sister.  I think he is fascinated by her- the way she moves and laughs and talks.  Truly, he can hardly keep his eyes off of her when she is around.  If he has to choose between looking at me or looking at her, I promise he would choose her every time.  Price still has a crush on his mama though.  He smiles so big and kicks his legs when he sees me.  I've also noticed when I walk away from him, he will briefly become upset.  
Price has finally rolled his big body over, but just once! : )  They both seem very close to sitting up alone unassisted.  And if I prop them right, they can even do it for a few seconds.  I feel so blessed to have such incredible little boys and one perfect little girl.

Uncle Brent and Price

 

Price

Maddox

February

Every time I sit down to write this blog, I take a huge breath as I think about the past month, the highs and lows, trying to conjure up the fun and sweet details of my interactions.  I probably need to blog more frequently because I find it difficult to remember exactly what we DID this month.  
I would like to report that I have everything under control, that my life is in perfect balance, that all is well and at peace.  But it's not.  : )  That's not to say I don't have moments of serenity or days where I feel like I have it all together.  But truthfully, right now, in this phase of life, I wake up every morning and prepare for battle.  I'm not battling with Matt or even the kids, but with myself.  It's a war between the mom and wife I want to be and the mom and wife I am.  It's a war between peace and chaos, between patience and agitation, between my to-do list and face time with my babies, between productivity and mommy-guilt.  I have never prayed for the fruits of the spirit so much in my life.  Love, joy, PEACE, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and SELF-CONTROL.  (If you hadn't picked up on it, the capitalized words are the ones I need the most of right now)  More this month than ever, I have had those moments of "What do I have to look forward to in my life right now?"  "Is this REALLY what my life looks like for the next five years?"  I hate feeling that way.  It's ungrateful and self-absorbed.  So I am battling that also.  I have taken more time to write down at least one thing everyday that I am grateful for.  It's helping.  I am lowering my expectations of my productivity.  It's helping.  I am creating more structure in my days, so I can focus on one (or maybe two) babies at a time without feeling this pull to be doing something else.  It's helping.  By the grace of God, I am figuring this out and finding joy and gratitude in the chaos and upheaval of my life.  I know how blessed I am.  And I DO love my life.
God has been so good in the baseball department.  Matt signed a minor league deal with the Baltimore Orioles.  They spring train in Sarasota, so he can commute and come home to us every night!  We also already found a 3/2 fully furnished house in Norfolk, VA (AAA), that belongs to an old teammate of Matt's.  God is providing.  He always does.  We are hopeful and incredibly grateful for this opportunity. 
Sienna Spotlight:
We were watching TV on the couch and she pats my leg and says, "Nice to see ya, Mommy."
Matt said to her, "You are silly", and she very sincerely looked at him, patted her chest, and said, "No, not silly, that's Sienna!"
We were watching the Olympics and when she saw the snowboarders with their bulky clothes and face mask, she said, "That's a monster."
She calls school the "teacher's house"
She woke up with a fever one morning and I tried to take her temperature, but she wouldn't let me.  About a half hour later, she was whimpering, and I asked her, "Oh Sienna, what hurts?"  And she said so sadly and pathetically, "My temperature hurts."  
Sienna speaks with such conviction and confidence and sincerity.  She is definitely going to push the line every time, but I can't help but love that about her.  She is feisty as feisty can be.  Oh and she is always negotiating with me!  The other day she wanted to take some bowls out of the drawer, and I said, "No bowls!" And she looked at me sideways with this ridiculously charming expression, and said, "One bowl?"  How can I say no?  She if full of energy and life and I adore her.  
Price and Maddox are finally getting to that stage where I can really fall in love with them.  I know that's awful to say, but I can't help it.  Newborns don't do much for me.  But they are four months now, and I could just eat them up.  Maddox is so quick to smile.  You could barely glance his way, but his whole face lights up with a huge grin that just begs you to pay attention to him.  And Price is my little Gerber baby.  He is scrumptious.  He has this perfectly plump little body and creamy white skin and very big, round head.  He is still more laid back than Maddox, but he is catching up in the smile department.  He has this sweet closed lip smile that I love.  They both smile and kick their tiny legs when they see me approaching.  It makes me melt just thinking about it.  

New Year

I would like to start by saying that I KEPT A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION!!!  It can be done!  Last January, my goal was to blog monthly.  Well here we are, and I did it!  Pat on the back to me. :)  
It's been about a month since I last blogged and I am still tired.  I may not stop being tired, at least for a few years…maybe eighteen years.  I'm not sure.  Life continues to be very busy.  Matt started working out four days a week for a few hours each day, so I have all three kids on the days Sienna isn't in school.  When this happens, I just tell myself from the beginning of the day that nothing I want to get done is going to get done!  And this actually helps a lot!  I can just spend the day (trying really hard) not to worry about how messy my house is or that we need groceries or that I need to call someone back, etc.  It's just not going to happen and I have (almost) learned to be okay with that.  Matt still doesn't have a team to play for this year, so that remains at the top of my prayer list.  The boys are wonderful and giving us more and more smiles everyday!  My dad (of course with his booming voice) has even gotten some chuckles out of each of them!  
The biggest news of the month is that I decided (after years of deliberating) to become a Beachbody coach!  This means that I sell products and help my customers reach their fitness goals through online accountability groups and hopefully recruit others to do the same under me!  In some ways, the timing couldn't be worst.  I am the busiest I have ever been without trying to develop an at-home side business.  BUT, as I talked about in my last blog, the busier I am the more I thrive and the more motivated I am.  The idea has been floating around in my head for years and on January 2, Lindsay Matway (Beachbody superstar coach) posted she was looking for new apprentices and in that moment I said, "Okay!"  I've seen posts like that several times in the past, but this was the time I was ready.  I can't explain it, but I am really excited about this!  I have already been so blessed to receive such a great response on Facebook and I am really hopeful and can't wait to see what my Beachbody future holds!

Sienna Spotlight:
The other day, Price was sleeping in his crib and Sienna had just got home from a fun-filled day with her Granny.  She climbed in the crib and Granny told him she couldn't wake Price up and Sienna quickly said, "I be quiet and take a nap-nap."  Granny said okay and left the room.  Fifteen minutes later when I checked on her, she was sound asleep next to her baby brother.
Matt came out of his room after getting dressed from church and Sienna says, "Daddy handsome."
I was driving Sienna home from school and she kept asking about Daddy.  So I said, "Sienna, do you want Daddy to come home and see you now?"  She looked at me very seriously, stuck out her palm (like a stop sign) and said "in a little bit, not right now.  In a little bit, not right now."
Whenever I am sharp with her, or lose my temper, or am obviously stressed out, she looks at me and says, "You okay, Mommy?"  Unfortunately, this happens a lot these days : )

Price and Maddox Milestones:
Maddox rolled over on January 19 (2 months and 22 days old).  I had laid him on his tummy in his crib and after fussing for a few minutes, Matt went to check on him and he was on his back!

Survival Mode

Before I had the twins, I remember thinking that by January we would have our feet underneath us.  The twins would be two months old, sleeping better, eating a little less often, and we would have adjusted to this HUGE change.  I wasn't too far off in my prediction.  The boys are sleeping wonderfully.  We have our schedule down.  I am even making dinner a few nights a week and keeping the house relatively clean.  But life is still really exhausting with a little bit of that feeling that there is no end in sight.  The biggest surprise is that I thought our nights would be the most tiring and stressful, but that is not true.  At least at night, it's quiet, you get up, feed a baby, and go back to bed.  The days are non-stop.  There is always something to do.  I am prioritizing blogging right now over grocery shopping, taking down Christmas decorations, or cleaning my kitchen and bathroom.  That's the biggest difference in life before the twins and after the twins.  At least right now, I will NOT get everything done on my to-do list.  Prioritizing has become the most important part of my day.  What is most important to me right now?  What is most important for my family right now?  I also have found that I don't even set goals for the day…it's broken down much smaller than that.  It's "what can I get done in between feeding the boys and pumping?"  And then "what can I get done after the boys' next feeding?"  All this being said, I have felt more purposeful and fulfilled than I have in a long time.  Early in our marriage and even after Sienna was born, I struggled with my role and identity as a stay-at-home wife and mother.  I felt bored and lazy.  Needless to say, that is not an issue now!  As busy as I have been and as much as I sometimes wish I could go back to the days when going to the grocery store was my biggest chore, I feel like I am thriving.  
Matt has continued to be as helpful as ever, but while I struggled more in November, he has had a tough December.  He hasn't signed with a team yet, he is in the process of renovating a condo for his mom, and mix in our new non-stop, no down time life, and he has been pretty overwhelmed.  He is doing things around the house, helping with the kids, but Matt is wired differently than me.  He is not going to receive the same fulfillment out of those daily duties that I will, as a woman.  God created me to be in the home, but my sweet husband was not.  He was made to be out in the world, doing deals, and making money.  While I am so grateful he has been around and incredibly helpful, for him, this phase has been hard.  Most nights as we are about to close our eyes we utter something along the lines of, "We did it.  We survived one more day." 

Highlights:

Matt and I celebrated our five year anniversary on December 7th and he surprised me with a weekend trip to Savannah without the children!  It was incredible and exactly what we needed.
Christmas with Sienna was so much fun.  I had no idea she would be so into it at only 27 months, but she loved it!  It was so sweet watching all the old Christmas movies with her like Frosty the Snowman and The Grinch.
The boys are sleeping almost 12 hours (well at least for the past two nights)!  I am extremely grateful for such good boys.

Sienna Spotlight:
She came up to me, wrapped her whole body around my legs and said, "I miss you!"  She then went to Matt, hugged him and said, "I miss you SO MUCH too!"  Sweetest moment.
One afternoon, Matt is feeding the babies, Sienna is sitting in her high chair, and I'm pumping.  Out of nowhere, Sienna starts repeatedly yelling with such emphasis, "No tickets, no money! No money, no tickets!"  Matt and I were bewildered having no idea where she got this from.  Later that night we were watching Frosty the Snowman with her and sure enough there is a scene where these exact words were uttered.  Why this particular line stood out to her…I couldn't tell you.  Oh to know the mind of a two year old.  
Another time she was sitting in her high chair while Matt was in the kitchen and she says to me, "Daddy…nice guy."

Price and Maddox Milestones: 
First Smiles: 7 weeks and 6 weeks, respectively
Price slept from 8pm-7:30am at 8 weeks and few days later, Maddox did too!

Price

Maddox

 

Three Blessings

Tomorrow marks 5 weeks since Price and Maddox were born.  As predicted, it has gone by very quickly…though admittedly not too quickly.  The first two weeks were surprisingly easy and smooth.  Matt and I were getting along famously, the boys were on a synchronized schedule and eating and sleeping well.  Then week 3 hit us.  Honestly, not much changed in the boys' habits, but Matt and I just hit a wall.  He was becoming very stir-crazy, ready to resume outside "normal" activities, I began having some trouble with my exclusively pumping plan while also craving some interaction with the outside world, and overall both of us feeling like life was never going to be normal again.  It was hard.  Matt and I couldn't have a conversation about anything without someone getting an attitude.  I felt very trapped and had become a slave to my breast pump.  I had two clogged ducts and mastitis all in the matter of a few days (none of which I had experienced with Sienna, so I was completely blindsided by the agony of it all).  Matt felt helpless to do anything right.  It was not a pretty week.  And then it got better.  I think a big part of it was just a perspective shift on my part.  I realized that I had to give myself some freedom.  If I missed a pumping session to go out on a date with my husband, then so be it.  I couldn't keep going the way I was and feel sane.  The last two weeks have been so much better.  Don't get me wrong, I still wish getting out of the house to run an errand was easier.  And I dream of the evening when I go to bed and know with absolute certainty I will be getting a full night's sleep.  I knew these first few months were going to be hard, and they have been.  But by the grace of God, Matt, Sienna, Price, Maddox, and I are doing much better than I expected we would be at this point.  Like I said, only by the grace of God.

Sienna is just a gem.  "Delightful" is the word that comes to me most often when I think about her.  Two years old is by all means challenging, but it is also so much fun.  She is talking more and more, putting words together, and she mimics everything.  There are times when she is communicating and I can just see her little brain working trying to figure out what words to put together to say what she wants to say.  She continues to be very independent often telling us to "go away" or "stay" (where we are), so she can go off and do whatever it is she needs to do BY HERSELF.  She adores her baby brothers and often takes time from her busy schedule to give them kisses and hugs.  We also started her in pre-school two days a week.  There is a part of me that feels guilty for this.  I never thought I would start her so early.  But the truth is, it gives me and Matt a few days to get things done around the house and outside the house.  And I also think she needs the change of scenery too.  So far, she seems to enjoy it, but I also know she is excited to come home when we pick her up.  Seeing Sienna "all grown up", it's crazy to think that in just a few months, my boys' personalities will also be developing and they also will become these precious little people that walk and talk!  At least for me, when you are in this newborn phase, it's very hard to imagine.  I love my boys, but as my dad says, "Sienna set the bar pretty high!"  :)

Price and Maddox

Price and Maddox

Price and Maddox

Sienna feeding Maddox!

Maddox

Sienna's first day of school!

Price and Maddox

Maddox and Price

Price and Maddox

Maddox and Price