Mother, May I?

So the title of this blog means nothing, except it has the word "May" and "Mother" in it, so I found it appropriate.  
The biggest news of the month is that Matt officially retired.  He just came to a point where he felt delaying the decision was dragging things out unnecessarily.  He could not compete at the level he wanted to on his hip, so he came home.  And outside of a 24 hour period (one in which I went to a Rays vs Indians game…terrible decision), it has been glorious.  Seriously, glorious.  Our family is back together, and I honestly feel like we are living a dream.  Better than being a baseball all-star, is a dad who is there in the morning when the kids wake up, and home by 5:00 for three hours of (sometimes crazy and stressful, sometimes perfectly beautiful) family time.  Sienna is more in love with Matt than ever, he gets to see his boys change and grow everyday, and I get to wake up next to him every morning.  Like I said, we are living a dream life.  
I am not trying to be unrealistic or corny or anything like that.  IF I let myself go there, baseball (or lack thereof) can conjure up all kinds of negative emotions.  But in light of what we HAVE, it's just not a big deal anymore.  

On another note entirely, do you ever have those days where every hour you apologize to your kids, and think to yourself, "I'm starting fresh!", yet there you are again, apologizing fifteen minutes later for once again "freaking out" over something that didn't quite deserve that level of "freak out"?  That was me…TODAY.  It's a Wednesday and by Wednesday, I.need.a.break.  I just do.  I wish I didn't, but I do.  By Wednesday, I have been in my house for almost two days straight, and simply put, I just don't have the grace and patience I need for my two year old daughter and 7 month twin boys.  
But I recently have been reading a book called, "Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe", by Sarah Mae & Sally Clarkson.  It is THE MOST affirming book for this stage of my life.  And it inspire me to write a list of my Mom Confessions- the things I am not so proud of, in hopes that it will help someone else realize that they are not a bad mom just because they are not a perfect mom.  So here goes:

My Mom Confessions

• Sienna watches WAY more TV than I would like her to.  I keep telling myself this is just a phase and I have twins, and I will pull set more boundaries eventually.
• I am afraid I don't give the boys enough attention (this may or may not be true).
• I only recently cut hotdogs out of Sienna's diet (the confession part is that I felt the NEED to based on how many she was eating).
• I am on my phone ENTIRELY TOO MUCH.  I feel like my kids wouldn't recognize me without it.  I have often thought about having some kind of rule in place like putting my phone in a drawer for this specified period of time, but have yet to take action.  
• I always have a countdown going for nap time and bed time.
• My boys nap beautifully, but that of course means Sienna is stuck at home all day with me because the boys need their naps!
• Sienna does not eat enough vegetables.  

So here's a small sample.  Don't worry…there are more.  But I suppose I wasn't ready to get THAT vulnerable yet.  Geez Louise.  

Now comes the part where I tell you about my children and how in love with them I am.  Because I am despite my mom confessions.  

Sienna Spotlight: 

• When I returned home one evening, she told her babysitter to "Put your shoes on.  You have to go."
• Matt can be very antagonistic, but in this case, I think he was just nicely playing with Sienna when out of the blue she says, "I'm going to pee on you."
• She has two twin monkeys and told me they were a girl and a boy and that the girl was named Cinderella.  When I asked her what the boy was named, she said, "Cinderella Boy".
• For a few days after Matt returned from Mexico, Sienna wasn't convinced he was staying. One morning she triumphantly came and told me that Daddy was here.  And I said "Did you think he was leaving again?"  And she said, "Yes.  I was sad."
• My brother asked Sienna what made her happy and she quickly responded, "Jesus."
• The other day before she left for school, I made her promise she would come home.  Over 8 hours later, she came through the door, rushed in to my arms, and said, "I told you I would come back!"

Sienna makes us laugh out loud every single day.  She is incredibly independent and bossy and I love her for it.  She already thinks she knows everything and she's not even 3.  I can't imagine what she will be like at 13.  Despite these strong leadership qualities, she is so sweet.  Often, without reason, she will come give me a hug and say, "I love you Mommy."  She LOVES her baby dolls, and mothers them, always comforting them, and whispering sweet things in to their ears.  She is the perfect combination of sugar and spice.

Double Trouble: 

• Both Price and Maddox sit up entire on their own, and seem very ready to crawl.  It's unbelievable to watch them figure out what their bodies do and see them get frustrated, but keep trying.  I forgot how amazing it is to literally watch them learn moment by moment.
• Price has an excellent reach.  He will lunge for and pick up anything in his path.  But my favorite thing is when he reaches that chubby hand out to grab my face.  Heart-melting.
• Maddox is more verbal and babbles and his new thing is screeching like a bird.  
• Price mostly just grunts.
• Maddox is still the more expressive of the two.  He is just SO HAPPY and ENTHUSIASTIC!  I love that about him.  
• They are loving bouncing and jumping in their jumperoo and the bouncy thing you can hang from your doorway.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  

  Passport Photos!

  
  
  
  
  
  

April

Highlights:

• Going to Disney with Sienna on the day before Matt had to leave for Mexico.  She had a love/hate relationship with the characters.  She loved them from afar, but up close it took her a while to warm up!
• We sold our beach house with a May closing date!
• The kids, my mom and I spent a week out at the beach before we didn't have the house anymore!  It was a wonderful way to relax and it made it easier being away from Matt.
• Sienna and I went to Mexico to see Matt!  The city of Campeche was MUCH NICER than I ever imagined.  It was wonderful to have such quality time with just Matt, Sienna, and I, though I did miss my little boys.
• I turned 30 on April 17!
• Matt and I spent a great day together before he left where he gave me the most beautiful ring.
• I was home at Easter for the first time in five years.

Lowlights:

• I turned 30 on April 17.
• We miss Matt.  Sienna misses her Daddy.  She cries and says she wants Daddy to come back.  Or when she climbs in to my bed in the morning, she says, "Daddy come home after his baseball game?"  Heartbreaking!
• Though Matt is playing extremely well down in Mexico, his hip continues to be an issue.  Unless God heals his hip significantly, Matt is not sure how much longer he will last.  It's unreal that it seems he is on the verge of retiring from baseball.  It truly pains me to even type that.  I know, I know…God has something better for us.  The mature Christian adult-me knows that.  But the petulant child-me wants to scream, "It's not fair!"  "Why couldn't You have just healed his hip?!"  "Why didn't we get another opportunity or a better opportunity on a different team?!"  "This isn't how it was supposed to happen!"  "He doesn't deserve this!"  Okay…I think I got it all out…at least for now.  

Sienna Spotlight:

The girl loves shoes.  She puts shoes on before she comes out of her room in the morning (6:45am).  She puts on shoes after she wakes up from her naps and comes out of her room.  She switches shoes 20 times a day.  I usually have at least five pairs of her shoes scattered about my house.

She can fully dress herself.  Now sometimes a shirt is inside out or something like that, but USUALLY her shirt and pants are on the right way (tag in back)!  She never ceases to amaze me. 

She also can almost buckle her carseat by herself.  This is a huge plus and makes me feel like I don't need to get a minivan!  Go Sienna go!

One day I was scolding her while she was in her high chair, so I was looking down at her.  Well she narrowed those blue eyes at me and then started raising her eyebrows up and down.  Needless to say, the scolding was over because I couldn't stop laughing.  And I tried really hard to keep my "mean face" on, but to no avail.  

Double Trouble:

The boys are six months old!  I can't believe it, but I am loving every second.  THIS is the age where I just can't get enough of them.  Both boys are incredibly generous with their smiles and love attention.  They are both sitting up, but Maddox is a little better at it.  They are both out of their rock n' plays and in to separate cribs!  Price can hold his own bottle, which comes in very handy (no pun intended).  Price will gnaw on anything within his little chubby arms' reach.  And I think Maddox could look at people all day.  He doesn't' want to miss a thing.  

Nonna, Sienna, and Price at the beach!

30th Birthday Celebration with Wonderful Friends!

Easter Twins!

Sienna and our friend, Blake!

My big boy, Price, holding his own bottle!

March On

I just re-read my last month's post and the words, "God has been so good to us in the baseball department." jumped off the page.  It may as well have been highlighted and in bold.  God has been SO GOOD to us.  Just not in the baseball department.  
About two weeks ago, Matt was released (fired) from the Baltimore Orioles.  I was stunned.  Everything seemed "right" about this opportunity from the 3/2 fully furnished house we had found in Virginia to the proximal location of spring training.  We even had enough faith to be thrilled about the big league ball park, Camden Yards being hitter friendly, so WHEN Matt got his call-up, he was sure to hit lots of home runs. :)  
It didn't make sense to me two weeks ago, and it still doesn't.  Fortunately, it doesn't HAVE to make sense to me.  I just have to learn to live with it, and be excited about what's next.  I'm not there yet.  The first few days, the shock of it all must have been numbing my emotions because I was "okay" and even excited about the prospect of a stationary, baseball-free life.  But a few days later as our options dwindled down to Matt going to play ball in Mexico, I started to feel.  I realized I wasn't as ready for a "normal" life as I thought I was.  I wasn't ready for a baseball-free life.  I wasn't ready to let go of the dream.  
I didn't like any of our options.  I wasn't ready for Matt to stop playing.  I didn't want him to go play in Mexico and leave me here alone.  And I didn't want to go with him to live in Mexico with three kids.  But something had to give, so Matt left this morning for Mexico without us.  
It feels surreal, this whirlwind that was Matt's baseball career.  This is a position that I never thought we would be in.  Matt LaPorta can't get a baseball job in the United States.  I wish I was done being angry, but I'm not.  And I wish I was more spiritually mature than I am, but I guess I'm not because I feel let down by God.  
When I expressed all of this to Matt, he just smiled and nodded his head. He, of course knows what I am feeling better than I know it.  But goodness, he has been so full of grace.  He hasn't uttered a negative word since all of this has happened.  I am taking it much harder than he is.  He said the most beautiful thing when I told him about my dream of our sons experiencing baseball with him.  He said so many guys don't have good relationships with their families BECAUSE of how demanding their baseball careers are, and he would rather have a good relationship with his sons and get to go watch their games, than them come to watch him play.  He nearly brought me to tears and I'm not sure I've never been more in awe of him than I was in that moment. 
So now that I've got all that out, I AM excited for this opportunity in Mexico.  Who knows where it will lead or what God CAN STILL do in Matt's baseball career.  Or it's the final step in the end of his career, and I can truly be excited about that too.  I do feel strongly that Matt was supposed to go to Mexico and that it was the right thing to do for now.  I will wait with eager anticipation as God reveals what's next for our family.  

Sienna Spotlight:
She calls bananas, "samanas".  I am not eager to correct her as she is starting to pronounce everything else correctly, and I will miss words like these.
Her response to almost everything (when it's not "NO!" accompanied by a crying tantrum), is "Sure, that's fine!"  For example: "Sienna, would you like to put shoes on?"  "Sure, that's fine!" She probably says it a hundred times a day, but it makes me laugh every single time.  She says it with such adult-like maturity and perkiness.  
She is in the phase that (I think) lots of children go through where she wants to change her clothes four times a day.  The unfortunate thing is, she usually goes to her laundry basket and digs clothes out of there that she insists on wearing.  :(
She seems to be loving her daddy more and more everyday, which is evidenced by the meltdowns she's been having since he left, "I want my Daddy!"
She told me she loved Mickey Mouse and I said I loved him too, and she said, "No, you love Daddy."  She says it very matter-of-factly which I adored.  I'm glad she knows I love him ; )

Maddox smiles with his whole body, but Price smiles at me like he is in love with me.  Maddox adores his sister.  I think he is fascinated by her- the way she moves and laughs and talks.  Truly, he can hardly keep his eyes off of her when she is around.  If he has to choose between looking at me or looking at her, I promise he would choose her every time.  Price still has a crush on his mama though.  He smiles so big and kicks his legs when he sees me.  I've also noticed when I walk away from him, he will briefly become upset.  
Price has finally rolled his big body over, but just once! : )  They both seem very close to sitting up alone unassisted.  And if I prop them right, they can even do it for a few seconds.  I feel so blessed to have such incredible little boys and one perfect little girl.

Uncle Brent and Price

 

Price

Maddox